Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Randomize
