Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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