Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
