ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
