i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
