ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
