She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
