How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
