He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
