you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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