Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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