I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
