dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
