She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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