i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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