Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
