Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
