people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
