apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
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