Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
false alarm. still invincible.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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