Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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