I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
