honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
