Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He has the fingertips of a God
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