My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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