Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
