go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
