Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize