I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
