The maid of honor just puked.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
