just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
