i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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