At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
