why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
