this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
