Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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