I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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