I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I faked an abortion last night.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
