I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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