Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Come share oat with me in your robe
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
