She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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