Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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