So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
