this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize