i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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