the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
