This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
