the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
