Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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