It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
