So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
