I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
