He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
