I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
