that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize