Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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