6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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