Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
