I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
