Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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