Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
