Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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