at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize