tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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