Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
