I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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