Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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