I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
